Grief and the Shifting of Perspective
On March 25, 2024, Mom made the transition from her earthly body. Gratefully, my wife and I were there with her. Being able to be with her in those final days until her last breath is one of the most powerful experiences of my life and one of the greatest gifts of dharma practice. In addition, I could not be more thankful for the peace that was clearly present in her passing.
Now that all the waves have stopped crashing externally and there is some quiet and stillness, I am reflecting a lot about my mom’s last year of life, her death, and the experience of grief as I make new sense of this very human experience. I intend to meet this new time in my life that sometimes seems a bit off, sometimes a bit intense, and other times just plain confusing with a sense of grace and compassion as best I can. I am definitely not always successful, and I’ve created a little chaos here and there (sigh-more on that later). I know that these current experiences are just part of this messy thing we call our human life. Being with these moments, not judging them, holding them with compassion, and continuing to cultivate patience is what is called for. I want to be present and let life in the aftermath of death unfold.
Lately, I have been thinking about how our conditioning often leads us to "either/or" thinking and how this dharma path offers us an alternative to that lens. "And/both" is often a lens that provides inherent compassion and interconnection. Currently, I am recognizing this new “and/both” lens in the way I am experiencing the grief that accompanies me right now. As I open to this grief, I become aware that over the ages, billions of people have faced this type of loss as a part of life. If I am caught up in my old conditioning, I am led to the place of “So, get over it, Stephanie, everyone deals with this.” But, on this path, we learn to consider a different way of being with the fact that, indeed, through the ages billions of people have faced the death of loved ones, and I am among them. There is an “and/both.” I can acknowledge that others have faced this, too, and I lean into this as a point of interconnection and an alternative to feeling alone in this. This connection is the connection to my big, huge human family. And, I can also honor the way this grief is impacting me “individually”, bringing compassion to the angst that arises, the sadness, the irritation, and other various manifestations of grief. This place of “and/both” where interconnection and compassion live is also where healing can happen, and it is a pathway to a larger spaciousness that can include gratitude and the simple, powerful joy of being alive.
