Who am I: Individuality, Social Comparison, and Self Acceptance

“In many cases, we try and avoid our individuality and instead emulate someone else. That is a big problem. Individuality sometimes comes out of ego, like wanting to be an emperor, a king, or a millionaire. But individuality can also come from personal aspiration. It depends on the level of one’s journey, on how far you have been able to shed your ego. We all have our own particular nature. We can’t avoid it. The enlightened expression of yourself is in accord with your inherent nature (Chogyam Trungpa quoted in Mukpo, D. J., 2008).”

But what does it mean to really own our own individuality? What if it means simply learning to tune into our inner experience; to pay attention to what we think, what we feel, and what we experience? How well does each of us do this? Pause for a minute here…really, how often do you pay attention without judgment to what you think, feel and experience? How often do you find yourself consciously doubting whether what you are thinking is okay or whether someone else would ever think the way you do (almost implying if the answer is no, you should cease having that thought immediately). How often do you stand in the mirror assessing what you look like from head to toe, deciding if you are presentable…meaning “am I okay in the eyes of others”? How often do you feel a little uncomfortable in your own skin? Maybe there is no formed thought such as “I’m not okay” or “something is wrong with me”, maybe it is just a vague sensation of being wrong…the wrong me.

In these sociocultural times, with all types of media, old school and social, in our faces, we are armed with ammunition that allows us to compare ourselves to others all the time. In fact, evolutionary psychologists tell us that we are neurologically wired to do just that..compare. And, not just compare, but we are wired to compare and assess critically how we might better ourselves in this moment to enhance our chances of a more positive outcome. Apparently this was a useful function millions of years ago when we began to stand upright (think Lucy-our first ancestor), travel further distances, and explore uncharted territory. I guess in many ways it makes sense that we needed to size up others and see where we fit and how we might fare. After all, in order for our species to survive we did need numbers. Power is in numbers. And look, we have survived. But, in 2013 I’m just not sure this neurological ability continues to serve us.
As I sit each day in my office with my wonderful, capable clients what I hear is constant comparison and the ubiquitous conclusion that the person sitting in front of me comes up on the short end of the comparison. Every once in a while I hear a devaluation of another as the conclusion but what this does is create a sense of disconnection for the person doing the comparison which leads to a whole other set of issues for a later time.

How do we begin to quiet the comparison mechanism, get to know who we are in this moment, and ultimately embrace ourselves? First, we must begin to get to know our own thoughts. Most of us are so enmeshed with our thoughts. Our thought stream just runs constantly, like a ticker tape at the bottom of CNN. Our thoughts dictate our lives without us even being aware. In order to change this we need to develop a greater curiosity; really get interested in what our thoughts are. Watch them, just as you would watch the clouds in the sky. Become aware of what you are thinking and/or feeling without the usual judgment that goes along. Try and watch them lightly.

Once you cultivate this curiosity, you will begin to notice how often you are engaging in social comparison. Try and remind yourself that your mind is simply doing something that the mind has become accustomed to doing long long before you were even here. With this understanding, you can gently choose not to buy into the thoughts. Or maybe you might try and affirm that in fact, whatever you are thinking in this moment is just a thought, nothing more, and nothing less. The thought does not define reality. And moreover, if you do not attach to the thought, the thought will pass, and another thought will arise. This new thought, like the last thought, is simply a thought…not reality.
Just cultivating this kind of space is freedom. Maybe you were hoping for more by the time you got to this place but do yourself a favor…just try these simple instructions for a week. Be mindful each morning, set your intention to “thought watch”, without judgment, and with lightness. More will inevitably be revealed to you in the process.